Karma Puja

Life finds its purpose and fulfillment in the expansion of happiness.

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

I will fill the world with Love and create Heaven on Earth

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

Balancing my small tray with precious daffodils, a newly washed orange and two bananas, along with a freshly starched white handkerchief, I gingerly entered the living room of the hallowed Beverly Hills home of Roland and Mother Olson to receive Initiation.[i] It was 1966; I was eight years old. My parents said this day was the culmination of prior lifetimes on Earth, for my five-year-old brother and for me. They said we were doubly honored to be alive on Earth now and to be initiated as children.

I carried my tray proudly, anxious lest I drop something. They said it was important not to smell the flowers, because smelling them would deplete the flowers’ essence. That was easy for me, because daffodils don’t have much scent anyway. I wondered how the other children avoided smelling their roses. I didn’t understand any of this, but I knew it was important. I was afraid of making a wrong move.

I paid careful attention to all the instructions because they said our Initiation was more important than the First Communion of our Catholic neighbors. I wanted a white dress and party like my friends had for their First Communion. My mother gave me a frilly yellow dress, matching my daffodils and bananas. We had no Initiation party.

Cold grey metal chilled the back of my thighs, I kept my dangling feet from swinging, while we children waited quietly in two rows of folding chairs. This was worth the wait because all our parents had assured us that we were at the tipping point, our good karma would outweigh our bad karma at the precise moment of initiation. We had waited lifetimes for this cosmic rite, and only good could come our way from now onward! Adults stood quietly lined up along the walls. Children held our offerings upon our seated laps. I fought the urge to sneeze from wafts of incense in the smoky room, infused with solemn celebration.

Finally, a young blond woman came from behind a door and walked towards me.

“Are you Gina?” She whispered while bending down in front of me.  I nodded.  She smiled and motioned for me to follow her. I looked back towards my parents who smiled brightly and waved their hands for me to go with her.  I arose and followed her to a small heavily draped darkened room.

The young blond woman, my first Initiator, smiled as she bent to take my offerings, leaving one daffodil for me to hold.  She motioned me toward a chair. As I began to sit, she silently signaled for me to remain standing. A small white altar supported a framed image of a seated white-bearded man draped in orange robes. I wondered who was in this picture; it didn’t look like the Maharishi that our parents always talked about. Brass implements and a small candle were on the altar. The woman began a hypnotic Sanskrit chant.  The incense was heady.  My mind drifted and I fell into a partial trance. She dipped each daffodil and banana into water and sprinkled them around the altar, taking the final daffodil from my hands. She reminded me of priests at Catholic mass, except this ceremony was secret. I trusted my parents and their friends that this was secret because it was more important than a Catholic communion which anyone could receive.

After finishing the chant, the woman before me bowed upon her knees, placing her forehead to the floor before the altar. The bowing confused me. When she motioned for me to bow alongside her I remained standing gazing at her with her forehead on the floor. It seemed strange to bow before someone I didn’t know about.

The young woman arose after a minute or so, smiling and motioning for me to sit. She sat alongside me, and then whispered, “Ainga.” I didn’t understand what she was saying. She repeated, still whispering, “Ainga” and motioned with her hand for me to repeat the strange sound.  I looked at her questioningly.  She nodded toward me, “Ainga.”

“Ainga.” I repeated after her.

She nodded with a pretty smile, closed her eyes and motioned for me to repeat the sound again.

“Ainga.” I said, relieved that I said it correctly.

“Your mantra” she said “is for you alone.  You keep it inside yourself and never repeat it aloud again.  It’s very special inside of you. For your meditation, you will repeat this gently inside yourself while you play quietly twice daily, or take a walk.” She handed one daffodil back to me.

I was never to disclose my mantra. This first secret of many, never to be spoken aloud, is the personal mantra for Transcendental Meditation.[ii] Thus, I became an “initiate” into Transcendental Meditation as taught by Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.

When I returned to the larger room, carrying the daffodil she allowed me to keep in honor of this holy day, I could see that the waiting adults were solemn and pleased. My younger brother, Gunnar, was called next.  He followed her, wide-eyed, also carrying daffodils and bananas. Watching my brother disappear into the draped room, I thought that strawberries would be better than bananas for such a special occasion.

Clearly, matters of heaven, Earth, enlightenment and reincarnation were beyond my childhood understanding. Each child, in turn, entered with flowers, fruit and handkerchiefs, exited, and then waited silently sitting in the incense-laden living room. All the parents were likewise silent, using hand motions and smiling while directing us where to wait.

Finally another pretty blond woman motioned for five of us children to follow her. Again I looked toward my parents who nodded for us to follow her.

We stepped outside after putting on our shoes that had been earlier left by the front door.  When we were all outside, she placed her index finger to her lips, motioning for our continued silence. She bent down toward the five of us; “You all remember your mantra and how to use it now?”  We nodded in unison.

“Very good” she smiled, “Now we’ll walk around the block and you can silently repeat your mantra to yourselves.  Just think it in an easy way, without forcing anything.  This is how you will practice your Word of Wisdom twice per day.”

She led us on a walk around the block. The children’s technique of TM was to be practiced while we played in silence, or walked quietly.  The adults had said the mantra would cause our minds to transcend beyond meaningless outer life. I didn’t understand what they meant. But I knew that we looked forward to reaching our tenth birthdays, when we would learn the adult sitting meditation, with another private initiation. Then we would be allowed to sit and meditate with our parents, just like grown-ups!

On this day, our small group of children silently walked around the block practicing our Word of Wisdom. Skipping past pristine small Beverly Hills mansions, the cascades of fuchsia bougainvilleas, fragrant jasmine, orange birds of paradise, and palm trees sparkled more vividly than I had remembered them from before. I believed the world looked brighter and everything would be perfect for the rest of my life! I wondered about these other children in our group, hoping we could play together later on. I alternately skipped along the sidewalk, and balanced like a tightrope upon the curb, chanting my special mantra inwardly experimenting with varying rhythms “Ainga . . . Aingaaah . . . Aaaaiiiiieeeengah . . . Ainga . . . Ainga.”

As we approached the Olson house again, one energetic boy looked at me and exclaimed, “Hey! My mantra is Ainga. What’s yours?”

“That’s my mantra!” I said, shocked. My brother’s big brown eyes widened; Gunnar burst into tears.

I looked at the other children, they nodded breaking their silence to acknowledge, “Mine too!” The young woman with us crouched down to our height, whispering hypnotically she tried in vain to calm the now distraught group of children.

I bolted up the front steps to the Olson’s house, leaving the crying children on the sidewalk.  Without stopping to remove my shoes, I exploded into the incense-laden living room, sobbing to the silent adults, “All the children have the same mantra! Mine isn’t special!”

[i] The Olsons hosted His Holiness Maharishi Mahesh Yogi in their home when he arrived in the USA in the late 1950’s. Helene Olson wrote a book chronicling the early days of The TM Movement, no longer in print, A Hermit in the House. Reprint: “His Holiness Maharishi Mahesh Yogi: A Living Saint for the New Millennium. Stories of his First Visit to the USA” Told by Helene & Roland Olson copyright 1967 by Helena Olson, copyright 1979 by Christina and Tina Olson, copyright 2001 by Theresa Olson.

[ii] TM mantras are tantric names of Hindu deities.

41 thoughts on “Karma Puja

  1. Tom

    I’m happy you have shared this story, Gina. Underlying everything here is the motif that underlies everything this giggling “guru” did: he expected our complete trust in him whilst he treated us more or less like mushrooms — keeping us in the dark and feeding us horse poop (with which, obviously, we were incompatible).

    My gardener friends tell me that horse poop makes their roses smell all the sweeter – that compatibility issue, of course. Unfortunately, TM and what the little con artist was up to didn’t smell of sweetness, but of disregard and violation of trust.

    As my gardener friends know, trust is reciprocal and relies on compatibility: they give hose poop, they get great roses. But the little guru expected that which he did not give.

    But there is much to learn from your experience, least of all that even the most detrimental disappointment and betrayal of trust is something we can cut through, penetrate with our own wisdom, survive, recover-from and go on to live a full life – not the incompatibility of a TM dominated life.

    Thank you for sharing your story.

  2. paul rio

    perhaps i can appreciate your perspective. probably all the tmers that i have met had absolute conviction toward maha & the tmo. it was almost complete mental conditioning. how could this happen?

    1. ComingToLifeStories Post author

      Paul, it happens slowly, almost imperceptibly. TM programs are designed to lure the vulnerable stepwise to their “ideal society” and Maharishi’s global teachings. Each step seems so minor. But after enough of them… well, you’ve seen the results! Maharishi used the analogy of a seagull who moved a beach, one grain of sand at a time. That’s what he was doing to us!
      Once fully into the mindset, truly leaving the TMO means to acknowledge years of false directives, betrayal to the core, probable rejection from some loved ones, and moving to a society in which one does not understand the rules of engagement. Too overwhelming for many. It often feels safer for true believers to stay with their familiar mindset and connections. Some leave, but stay in the mindset. Unbrainwashing is a painful process — but, like chemotherapy, so worthwhile!

  3. Cathleen

    Dear Gina,

    We have shared so much together, along with our morning commutes in different counties talking on the phone.

    Your story is beautifully expressed. I look forward to more of your “learning to fly, taking breath and living life to it’s fullest” entries!

    I appreciate YOU! You are an inspiration, and
    I am glad to see you writing YOUR story dear Gina!

  4. Carol Welch

    Yay for energetic little boys!! 😀

    Interestingly, earlier today on Twitter, I shared with a TMO loyalist that I’d compare the TMO puja to baptism or to communion. He had compared it to our USA Veteran’s Day celebration. His comparison didn’t work for me. So I gave it some thought and realized the puja was similar to the memorial for Jesus, in a sense.

    I thought of some other comparisons.

    And then tonight, I come here and read your blog piece.

    You write beautifully Gina, I hung on every word and, for a moment, was that little girl.

    Is it o.k. if I Tweet a link to your blog entry (ies)?

    Thanks for sharing!

  5. joel garnier

    for some reason that my mom took to her death she chose the mantra Yom or Yum for me, at ten years old. looking in http://spokensanskrit.de/ i find no meaning. the initiation was awkward as had been the previous one at five years old. she was impossible to trust. the effect of the sitting practice was distinctly underwhelming and the beginning of a strained self-talk habit that has never stopped. i knew i was getting horse shit.

    i infiltrated the TM org for a year to find out what was what in 1995. oops! psychosis. 15 years later, still a problem. one thing makes it worth the trouble – the very gradual return to my normal self. well, two things actually. seeing the greatest people i have ever known return to themselves. i see that from afar but it is clearly happening with many.

    it’s great that you have an independent blog now Gina. i like a singular voice, i can focus on learning. thanks very much.

    1. ComingToLifeStories Post author

      Hello Joel!
      Hard with your mother. You wrote “she was impossible to trust.”
      When someone’s core has been taken over by cult mind control, they change with the cult directives. That’s what makes it appear “they are impossible to trust.” The well intentioned, but lost, person has been taken over by a psychological virus. Sad and painful for the cult member’s loved ones.

      You are brave to have tried to re-infiltrate the TM Movement. Not something that anyone would recommend. Am sorry to hear of another psychotic episode for you. It can take years to undo even short amout of time (weekend or month) of intense skilled “brainwashing” program. I suggest honoring yourself for having come so far out the other side!

      Blessings and love to you and family always, dear Joel!
      g 🙂

      1. joel garnier


        that incident in 1995 was the first time i got hospitalized. it happened several more times. not lately though. seemed like a misunderstanding from your reply.



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  7. Seeker

    Thanks Gina for the beginnings of your story…you are a very good writer! Some questions if you don’t mind: who was your initiator, how did the adults wiggle out of your “discovery”, and in what year were the Olson girls initiated. I’m looking forward to what I hope will be many more installments of your story.

    1. ComingToLifeStories Post author

      Hi “Seeker”
      Thanks for your support and comment. Your insight is helpful.

      I have no idea who my childhood initiator was.
      The Olson girls were a few years older than me. We played together a few times while our parents were busy with early TM heydey activities.

      You ask, what happened when I ran back into that living room? hmm.. should I add that to the story?

      Well, my mother rushed over to greet me inside the door. She bent down with her finger to her pursed lips to quiet me. I knew my outburst must have embarrassed her. The other parents walked over and encircled us. They did not go out to their children. The crying children with the other young woman remained outside.

      My mother said “Gina, you have the same mantra because you children must be connected with similar spiritual vibrations. It’s special that you all were initiated together. It’s very special that you share a mantra. You don’t have to worry. Your mantra will still work for each of you. The mantra is subtle, and it’s best that you don’t say it aloud anymore. It does’t matter if anyone else has the same mantra.” I wiped a tear, looked past my mother to the other nodding parents behind her. Reassured, I turned back outside to the other children.

      The group of kids looked up as I came out, “It’s OK I told them. They said we’re all connected somehow, that’s why we got the same mantra.”

      I don’t remember what happened the rest of the day. I think we all went home. I never saw that group of kids again. I did see the Olson girls on other visits to their home.

      g 🙂

  8. Bjarne

    …wise mother indeed Gina! You children were connected in innocent discremination..thats why You pointed out the the truth and lies…in Scandinavia we say:”hear the truth from children and drunk people”.

  9. Deborah

    That’s a great, great story, Gina.

    One thing I am curious about: when the adults learned that all the children had the same mantra, did they not question whether their own mantras were shared by all others of the same age? At the time, it wasn’t known that there were only 16 mantras.

    1. ComingToLifeStories Post author

      Hi Deborah:
      Thanks for the kind feedback! I don’t know what the “adults” thought of the mantra situation. At age 13 the TM sitting technique was given me in Los Angeles, the Westwood/UCLA TM Center. Following the initiation puja, he gave me the same mantra.

      Afterwards I told my mother (who was preparing to leave for Teacher Training herself) that they gave me the same mantra for my sitting technique. She said something to the effect that “That’s all right. That mantra has the correct vibrations for you. You needed the puja to enliven the mantra anew, and the instructions to use it this new way.”

      Then.. at 15, advanced technique with Lilian at MIU Santa Barbara (pre Iowa daze). After puja, Lillian asked me what my mantra was. Feeling that I was violating a sacred pact within myself to speak my mantra aloud, I whispered to her,”Ainga”

      Lilian bluntly replied, “That’s wrong!” I was devastated, thinking how could I have been meditating improperly all these years. Did I have to start all over now. Lillian proceeded to give me an advanced technique anyway.. just adding 2 more syllables to existing mantra “aingnamah”

      Of course, there’s more to each story. Just need more writing time to unfurl them all!

      g 🙂

  10. joel garnier


    do you think mantra meditation is good at all?

    or other kinds of meditation?

    you think maybe the catnap is perhaps generally best?

    maybe you were going to save this for another day which is cool. short answer?

    there it is in your last comment ‘…need more writing time to unfurl them all!’

    after these years of studying the TM org. and community i simply wonder about your opinion of meditation techniques.



    1. ComingToLifeStories Post author

      Hi Joel:
      I never studied meditation methods. Paul Mason and others could best answer that question; I’m not qualified. For me, TM works akin to heroin- feels great, makes me spacey blissy and nonfunctional. I avoid TM and other dissociative methods. When understress at work or elsewhere, I breathe deeply and slowly and consciously relax on the exhale. Ala “meditation,” I prefer biking, hiking, swimming. Am about to take an outdoor catnap (mantra free) and soak up Vitamin D! hmmm…mmmm!

  11. joel garnier

    that’s about how i figured. except the heroin part. that’s out of my experience range i think. that word ‘nonfunctional’ is precise. it is always strange to see that; big pleasure and no functionality. in this town you just don’t see that, ever.

    great answer. i love all of the same activities and the art and music stuff. i have a hammock in the back even. the sporting life is a memory for now but that’s the stuff i always did out in AZ.

    keep the blog rolling. we like yas.

  12. stepanie

    hi gina, like you i was a child meditator too. i just recently found out it was a cult 2 mo. ago. im having a hard time. because i never thought that TM was the reason my parents and uncle were so messed up. i stoped meditating at 10 or 11 because it was boring and gave me a headach. i thought i was evil because of stoping i kept it a sectret untill i moved out at 20. im 26 now. and im looking for other cult children to connect with, because in some ways its still hard for me to believe that TM can cause psycosis vilolence and all the other abuse i grew up with. thank you so much for speaking out!
    p.s. if its possable i would really liike to speak with you

    1. ComingToLifeStories Post author

      Hello Stephanie:

      Yes, the “cult wake up” realization is a hard realization! Good for you! Be proud of yourself for having that realization now, as a young adult. The sooner one has the correct diagnosis, the sooner one can obtain proper treatment for their condition! Good job!

      Thank you for your kind words. Yes, as you know, there is so much more to write – and it’s painful to return to those memories and edit my stories to be presentable.
      I’d rather leave-it-behind, but truly one cannot pretend the first few decades of their life never happened. sigh.

      If you are in the Bay Area, I’d be happy to meet for lunch or coffee and chat. Otherwise, I’m not a professional therapist. I have a healthy respect for the mindf**k of coming out of TM, and of being raised in a cult, so I’d be hesitant to unintentionally trigger someone by talking on the phone without first knowing the person. Please understand that. It’s best for your to seek a professional.

      Please review the links on this blogsite, and the links then listed on those other sites. There are many excellent and qualified resources for help available. The International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA) has their annual conference coming up soon, with special sessions for those born or raised in cults (“Second Generation Adults” or SGAs). Excellent workshops! I’ll be attending that conference; hope you can make it and track me down there! See the ICSA link in the right margin.

      You may email me directly at gina.comingtolife@gmail.com
      Again, I’m not a therapist.

      You would appreciate the DVD “Devil’s Playground” – available on Netflix, about Amish kids coming of age. My grown children, ages 22-32, were riveted because it’s similar the TM-kids’ stories.

      Yes, growing up surrounded by an acceptance of psychosis – “heavy unstressing” – can cause PTSD symptoms, in my opinon! In addition there’s the cult recovery, and trying to establish your adult life with no appropriate foundation to the outside world.

      You CAN do it! I promise!

      g 🙂

  13. bren

    Thanks for sharing your experiences here; I practiced TM and later the sidhis for about 20 years. One of my parents became a TM teacher and initiated all of us. There were always problems in the family and not only did TM not help them, it actually made things (a lot) worse. Things that happened are very painful to think / write about but I hope to one day.

    In the meantime I’m getting a lot out of reading of other peoples’ experience – here and elsewhere – of the TM movement. The bravery that ex-TMers have shown in getting themselves out of the mental traps of ‘Maheshish’ is a real inspiration.

    I haven’t meditated / ‘programmed’ for ten years now but staying away still feels like an uphill struggle. Some of my family are still involved in the movement.

    Thanks again, I look forward to reading more.


  14. bren

    Thanks for these great posts about what it’s like to grow up in a TM family. It’s not easy to do.

  15. ComingToLifeStories Post author

    Thanks Bren:

    Your validation to my writing means a lot! Please don’t berate yourself for ongoing challenges. I’ve been away over 24 years.. with ongoing family involvement. It’s still painful to remember and discuss the TM history. Glad to know that it’s helpful for you (and maybe others) to read. Reading others was helpful for me. Painful process, but necessary. I call it psychological chemotherapy. Sure wish I’d had cult recovery resources way-back-when; I could’ve been a better parent to my 3rd-generation-TM-kids.

    Hard to discuss anything with family who remain in TM-think, whether or not they remain officially with “The Movement.”

    The uphill battle becomes increasingly easier as you build your own life. I suggest staying in one area, obtain an education and career. By your own work ethic and integrity, you will attract other good people to you.

    Best to you!
    g 🙂

  16. joel

    i looked at a David Lynch Foundation video today that showed kids at really rough schools meditating together. then interview clips of kids saying they are so much less angry…

    then there is Lynch. i can’t help it. i just like him. he’s using some strange leftover figures of speech from M, but he’s not full of shit. there really is something inside a person that is worth visiting, the self as they say.

    but then the old TMO goobers show up in the videos and i’m like ‘ohhh nooooo! you shut up!”

    so i’m just chiming in with the comments. i have to agree that choosing a place to settle, get a new education, a career, all that, good idea for second and third Gen. TMkids.

    another thing got me today. the high test scores for tmkids, the high IQ, i still don’t quite get it, how that happens. we always scored high and still do. smartest people you ever meet, other tmkids. how does it happen?

  17. ComingToLifeStories Post author

    Hi Joel:
    IMHO: Lynch is well intentioned. MMY got to him on the “millionaire’s course.” The sincerity if true believers is part of their seduction.

    Bjarne posted onto another blog, w a link showing TM as effective as any daily rest or other meditation.

    ICSA studies show that those who join cults are generally of above average intelligence. Thus TM kids who score high on IQ tests are already likely to be genetically advantaged. Your mother was smart before her brain turned to tofu from over meditating. My parents too.

    g 🙂

  18. joel


    that’s a really good answer. i forgot about the millionaire courses. see that buying in stuff is super strange to me. i won’t go there now.

    do you know of any other structured/scheduled rest/meditation programs in schools? i don’t mean nap time for kindergarten. i mean crazy and fierce schools calming down and getting safer and better.

    the ‘over meditating’ thing – i have certainly done it, especially during pain syndrome spikes. not TM, but just making it from moment to moment by focusing. i do feel sort of stupid for awhile after that. it’s a strange case though. i don’t understand my moms case either. i don’t know why she wanted to meditate so much. coincidentally i am reading about catatonia now. it’s too much to tell but there are symptoms like refusing to return from a trance state. historically, terrible misunderstandings about the condition. some of it looks like a sadhu in nirvana is so similar to a psychiatric patient locked into a pose and repeating, chanting…

    you have said there should be a warning label on TM, this reminds me of that. ‘some rare cases of catatonia have occurred’…

    it’s still incredible to consider the ‘you did it to yourself’ idea. when you’ve no idea what a meditation is beyond the experiential subjective side, that you could be destroying something in yourself by using mantra meditation…


  19. Tanemon

    Gina, you had such an early introduction to TM and MMY. Then, I know, your family moved to Fairfield. You must have gone to school for at least a few years there. I was once introduced to a man (a friend of a friend) named Dean, who apparently headed up one of the girl’s schools associated with MIU/MUM. Did you know him? (I forget his last name.)

    Dean would have been older than you, Gina. He was apparently from California – at least this is where I met him through a mutual friend, when I was visiting there.

    If you knew him, what do you think became of him? Just curious.

    1. ComingToLifeStories Post author

      Hi T!
      Like the Olson girls, my childhood TM daze predated the founding of Maharishi children schools. I was the first ‘Ru to graduate from Fairfield High School in 1975 (the first year that MIU was located in FF). As a teen, I’d refused to attend MIU, and refused TTC.

      My first two children did attend a couple of years of Maharishi’s “education for enlightenment” before we moved away.

      Perhaps you ask about Ashley Deans?

      IMHO, Ashley is well-intentioned, kind, devoted to Maharishi’s teachings, director of Maharishi School of the Age of Enlightenment. He doesn’t have a cruel bone in his body. And, like any well-intentioned true believer, has blind spots about the limitations of Maharishi systems, and the narrow perspective into which his schools indoctrinate the children.

      g 🙂

      1. Tanemon

        Hmmm…. Coincidence that the names are similar, but I beliieve (from the picture) we are referring to two different people.

        The fellow I’m thinking of is “Dean [somebody]”… Dean being his first name. Plus the guy I’m referring to has the air of a former-hippie.

  20. Joe

    I wish I still had “Mother Olsen’s” book “Hermit in the House. Your story sounds like a page out of that.

  21. joel

    for a couple of articles you can use wikileaks.com and search ‘Maharishi’. i suggest that anyone who wants to expose documents about the TMO. use Wikileaks to do so. the TMO lawyers can’t touch it. if you have documentation of criminal activities share them. just like transcripts of Nixon or Kissenger, Wikileaks will publish anything they believe to be real. it’s the best opportunity ever to expose the crimes. it has to be real though. an essay is not enough. spread the word. TMO has broken some laws. if you have documentation of that, give it to Wikileaks and then link to the documents after they are published. anyone else like the idea? i love it. it has always been the criminal stuff that was so nasty. my purusa mentor always said the crazy business stuff came ‘from the very top’ and he said it with humor. imagine some proper evidence of TMO crime published in the most impenetrable whistleblower site in the world. yes?

  22. Joe

    Most definitely! For one thing, Wikileaks is a site that more and more people will look to whenever seeking insider information about something. More and more they’ll go there and search for “Transcendental Meditation”. Post it there even if posting it somewhere else also would be safe.


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